Urban Wilderness

Let me start by saying that I love nature. I yearn to be barefoot on the sand or strolling through cool, green grass covered in tiny wild flowers and buzzing bees. I still catch my breath when I see an elusive hummingbird fly by or at the first sight of a nervous butterfly. But if there's one thing that is driving me absolutely batty right now are all these friggen raccoons, possums, and stink-for-no-good-reason skunks. Yes, I live at the foot of a mountain but isn't there someplace more appetizing than under my duplex? And why do skunks have to make their presence known? Seriously. Come by and pick a few berries from this weird berry tree I have, but could you just for once, put the butt spray away? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that these critters come out at night, waddle about slowly, and don't make much noise other than the sound of claws scraping up the tree, and that one time they scared my mom when one fell from the palm tree making all sorts of leafy noises and the grand finale big thud at 3 in the morning. Ok, fine. You're here, us humans are encroaching on your ancestral land. I get it. My trash can is filled with tasty rotting chicken skin . . . but you can't reach it. Oh, and I would really appreciate it if you all moved the disco out from under the house because the scratching is waking me up at night. I drove up the other night to shine my lights on a raccoon in my drive way. It was headed to the opening under the house. Did it scurry? No, he just stopped, check out the car, and waddled in slowly as if he just showed the bouncer his ID.
Oh and did I mention I have a mouse problem? This mouse has some razor sharp teeth because no matter what obstacle I put in front of it, it succeeds like some kind of mousy version of Angry Birds. I didn't steal your eggs mister mouse man. I do, however, appreciate the fact that it only nibbles on the Trader Joe's 99 cent bowtie pasta but this is getting annoying. It won't even fall for the clever traps I've set. It gnawed through the spray foam like cotton candy and for what? Just to get in to the paper label on the can of baking soda. This mouse should be on that "I eat strange shit" TV show where the one woman was obsessed with baking soda. Last night, I guess it couldn't get back out of the pantry and was making all kids of noise. I was, of course, petrified. I waited for my husband to wake up and deal with it. I figured it was finally caught in the trap but when we opened the pantry door and took out the trap, it was still set. I  have no idea where it went after all that ruckus it had been making. The only animals allowed in this house are the humans living in it and my turtle.
I have also seen coyotes. They're innocent enough just looking for food but they tend to stay on the street. Raccoons, skunks, and possums .  . . they have no manners. They will trespass without a care in the world. They climb the trees, hang out on your roof, scratch it up, dive down the other tree, then kick back under the house. And as a parting gift, the stinky old skunk will let you know it was there by leaving its stinky calling card of cloud stank. I'm sure it takes a farty walk all around the house, crop dusting, just to make sure you know it too. Really annoying. I thought this was LA.